Clear communication at work – Misunderstandings trigger 1: Status
Part of a blog series on the SCARF Model by David Rock. Part 1 of 5.
Know what you want to say, know what is going on.
Understand psychological communication triggers at work and learn how to avoid them so that your team can collaborate and create freely.
Helpful vocabulary is underlined and explained below!
As a language coach, I always have the interesting position of the outsider: I go into teams or I work 1:1 with people who work in a company that I don’t work for myself. People tend to tell me quite openly about their work but also about the things that upset them: conflicts with colleagues, misunderstandings in meetings, and –very often– about their own bewilderment why they got so angry about a perfectly ordinary situation.
There is a model that I learned about when I was training for my coaching licence. It’s a breakdown of the different types of triggers we have around other people and that we often experience in the workplace. I find this model so useful that I decided to write this series of blog posts to introduce you to the model so you can learn to communicate more clearly at work.
David Rock: The SCARF Model
SCARF is an acronym and stands for Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness, and Fairness. If you are upset about something that happened with a colleague at work, David Rock says, it might be that you were triggered in one of these areas. Social pain, Rock tells us, is felt by the brain as sharply and acutely as physical pain. So it’s no wonder then that when there is conflict at work, we end up feeling “hurt”, “injured”, and that we spend large portions of the day “licking our wounds” afterwards.
Understanding what your triggers are (and those of your colleagues) can help you communicate better and enjoy a workplace with less unnecessary pain and stress.
If you are a leader, understanding these triggers is a powerful tool that will help manage your teams more smoothly and in a way that keeps everyone feeling safe, happy, and productive.
This post is about the first trigger: Status.
(Click here to get to the posts about Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness, and Fairness).
Status
Status is our importance relative to other people. We are social animals and so us worrying about our place in the ‘pecking order’ is so deeply engrained in our thinking that we feel threatened in this area very easily. Status is often connected to your sense of identity: do you see yourself as an expert in your field, or as someone who never makes mistakes? Then it’s very easy for you to feel threatened when something goes wrong in “your” area.
Example: You are the best writer on your team. Whenever your team has needed a new text for the website or a social media post, they’ve come to you. It’s something you’re proud of and that you enjoy. But now your boss has hired someone new and everyone is very excited: she’s got a master’s degree in media studies! Great, they say, she’ll be able to write our texts in future and you don’t have to do it anymore on top of your regular work! Great? No! You’re furious. Nobody ever complained about your texts and now suddenly they’re not good enough anymore? Ouch. That hurts. And that’s the Status-threat. It will be difficult for you not to compare yourself with this talented, qualified, younger colleague. But maybe you can trick yourself: try to see what you can learn from her instead. Instead of feeling resentful and hoping she will soon make a mistake, ask her for feedback on your writing. Talk openly about the things you’re not sure about. What a great chance to become a better writer!
Dont’s:
– direct comparisons with other people
– direct, negative feedback
– a company culture focused on catching mistakes and pointing fingers
Do’s:
– let people evaluate themselves before giving them negative feedback
– praise effort, not achievement
– a company culture that embraces making mistakes and trying new things
Helpful phrases for talking to someone who is experiencing this trigger:
“How do you feel about your presentation?”
“It’s not important where the mistake happened – I know you are all working very hard. Right now, let’s just focus on fixing it and then sit down and try to understand what happened later.”
“What are the reasons you think the pitch wasn’t successful?”*
*Pro tip: Don’t ask questions that start with “Why” if you want to avoid confrontation: Change it to “What are the reasons” – it’s the same question but it’s less direct and will often help people stay rational and not short-circuit to an emotional response.
Click here to read Rock’s original article, watch this talk about his insanely insightful book Your Brain at Work, or check out the Neuroleadership Institute who offer great free webinars about creating psychologically safe, brain-friendly and inclusive work places.
And if you want more tips and resources for clearer communication in English, sign up to my newsletter below!
EDGY VOCABULARY FROM THIS POST:
tend to = they have a tendency to
bewilderment = confusion, puzzlement, not understanding why
perfectly ordinary = when we say something is “perfectly ordinary”, it doesn’t mean perfect=good. In this construction, it means “completely ordinary”.
trigger / to be triggered = the trigger is the part of a gun you pull back when you want to shoot. When we say something “triggers” us, it means that a situation creates such a strong emotional reaction that it “sets us off” like a gun. This is usually a very negative emotional reaction, which is why films or theatre often include a “trigger” warning when it contains scenes with violence, nudity, etc.
acronym = an acronym is an abbreviation (=a short form) using the first letters of each word, e.g. ASAP (as soon as possible) or IDFK (I don’t fucking know)
licking your wounds = IDIOM: when someone hurt you and you want to go away somewhere and feel sorry for yourself
pecking order = the social hierarchy
deeply engrained = it is such an old, instinctual idea that it is difficult for us to not think about it
threatened = when somebody says they will hurt you or attacks you in some way that you think you have to defend yourself
furious = very, very angry. Like a fury.
feeling resentful = when you are bitter about something that happened; when you have to make your peace with something you’re not happy about
pointing fingers = when people blame each other, i.e. you say “It’s your fault” and I say “No, it’s his/her/your fault”
short circuit = in an electrical system, when the + and - things touch and it… I don’t know, explodes? We use this figuratively to mean that your reaction is not rational and calm but that you “got your wires crossed” and you go boom.
